I am not a machine, dammit!

(Semi automatic banana peeler = me)

* * * * *

I work for a very large global corporation. I will not mention it by name. I don't know enough about libel laws.

For a while, I was glad to work for this company, because - regardless of their goofy seasonal marketing campaigns and sales contests and aesthetic McBlandness and business manual hoopla - they created a culture that valued employees and customers as individuals. I thought, "My company wants me to enjoy my job and feel like I belong here. My company wants people to feel like people and not like commodities."

But, alas, no more.

I don't want to sarcastically bitch about my job. I'm glad to have it. I know I'm better off than a lot of folks. However, I do wonder: 

• Why do corporations think their employees should be robots, automatons even, doing every miniscule task without variation or improvisation? What do they teach in business school? Is it, "De-create man to create money"?
  
• And why do large business empires feel entitled to get more from their workers without giving more? It's as if they think, "We know you need money, so we can hold you hostage, in a way, and be assured that you will meet our demands. After all, we are your boss."

* * * * *

I get that there is a recession. I get that, as part of my agreement to be employed, my company expects me to make certain personal concessions for the sake of its brand. Namely, my appearance. I get that in order for my job to continue existing, there have to be cutbacks: I lost half my paid vacation, all my personal days and sick days, and got a meager 20 cents-per-hour raise at my last review. (That's like an extra $6 or $7 pre-tax per week. Does that even keep up with inflation?) And I can forget about working five 8-hour days per week. I get the math of survival: less profits = less money for payroll = less hours available = less people on a shift = more work, faster work and harder work for everyone. I can't fault anyone for that, and I'm glad that my company is instituting efficient changes and trying to stay fit and profitable.

But at the same time, I feel like all of us at the bottom of the company totem pole are being asked to give more and more, to do more and more, with nary a trifle of extra compensation (or even expressed gratitude) for doing so. In fact, two of my coworkers have received demerits as a results of this inversely changing labor-to-work proportion.

This quarter, aside from ongoing pressure to meet sales goals, there has been special pressure to monitor and meet quality assurance (and efficiency) standards at all times. (Don't get me wrong - I have nothing wrong with meeting quality standards.) But the company has devised such Pharisaically high standards that it is impossible to meet the standards at all times, and especially when we are operating with less employees per shift. Well, we got pop-audited for quality assurance during a minimally-staffed busy hour and did not meet the standards. So, in consequence of the poor audit results, two good guys, who strive to be great representatives of our company, received demerits. 

It seems unjust to me. Every person on our staff contributes to meeting (or failing to meet) the standards, whether they are present at the time or not. But, moreover, it seems like the company is saying, "Machines, why can't you just multitask more efficiently? We told you to do everything at once. We told you to make sure the other machines were working properly. Why can't you just execute the commands?!" 

* * * * *

I want to scream at Daddy CEO: "I AM NOT A MACHINE, DAMMIT!"

* * * * *

Today two upper management people haunted around for six hours trying to "fix" us and make sure that we would meet the standards during our next audit. (Again, I have no problem with striving for quality and efficiency. Why be wasteful and mediocre when you can be conservative and better?) But I got the feeling that I was being personally scrutinized, my every movement and mannerism critiqued. Was I being slack? Not enough like a widgeteer on an assembly line? Was I talking too long with a customer? Was I wasting strokes in the completion of a menial task? Did I look like I was cutting a corner without pre-approval?

No words of praise escaped the lips of the two haunts. No expressions of appreciation or understanding to those of us hustling to Meet the Standards. Just the message, Cover up those tattoos on your wrists. Even if it means you'll look like you attempted suicide last night. You know visible tattoos are against Dress Code.

Hard-working tattooed person wraps wrists and says to self: "Calm down, Self. It's just a job. It's just a job."

* * * * *

FACT: My company has an instructional poster detailing the proper way to peel a banana before putting it into a blender to be whipped into a smoothie.

FACT: My company does not guarantee full-time employment for non-salaried employees.

FACT: My company does offer affordable health coverage to employees who (manage to) average 20 hours per week each quarter. 

FACT: My position pays better than being a copywriter, but worse than being a nanny.

FACT: My position has no educational requirements. Not even a high school diploma. And while having an M.A. in Liberal Arts is handy for conducting brief, interesting conversations with regulars, I am well aware that I am not utilizing my education through my job. 

FACT: My job has carried me through a year of unsuccessful better-job hunting. And I can't complain about that.

FACT: But I can't wait to leave the machine. I no longer believe that my company cares whether I enjoy my job. My company wants performance out of me, and for that they are willing to give me...how-to-peel-a-banana job aids.